May Thoughts

May was an interesting month, although not in terms of photographs.

I came across an article by Martha Beck that talked about how people who lose weight in the best way do it in a positive, non-stressful way. I'VE BEEN STRESSED TO THE MAX!

No wonder it's hard to make sense of some tough issues I have going on.

The article was a real eye-opener. First, I realize I wake up stressed. I go to bed stressed. In between daylight and darkness I'm stressed about anything that comes along. Stressed about money, are my pictures good enough, is my work good enough, did I get the answers right, where's my money going, why does the scale say that, why can't Paul support himself, why is Mariah's mother such a dingaling, what happens if all my money I have invested is gone, will anyone ever love me every again? To name a few. I don't remember where this all started, maybe somewhere around the time I decided to go back to school and finish my degree. Maybe before that. Maybe working at a place where the people were judgmental and the boss was intolerable. Maybe when my family multiplied and it wasn't me who did the multiplying. Who knows?

I just know that today, I'm less stressed than I've been in a very long time. Part of it was coming to terms with my weight and the self-loathing that comes with it. Thank goodness I've got a friend who's willing to come with me to a couple meetings at Weight Watchers each week. Bless her. Today, I didn't eat anything unhealthy, but I did have some ice cream which is OK on WW. Everything in moderation.

I also came clean with my financial advisor about a couple credit cards I've been secretly using and the balances have caught up with me. He was not pleased. We're working on it. Honesty and balance.

I'm now without insurance because I withdrew from summer classes, only keeping one class, a class I got an "F in because a couple semesters ago I was SO stressed I couldn't put one foot in front of the other. I don't know why I thought I should keep taking some classes, but Wednesday's writing class put me over the edge. The teacher had to outline to the class how to use the various forms of who, whom, who and whose, your, yours and you're, I'd knew I was in the wrong place. She also admonished us "sophomores" to be more careful because we were in college now, not high school. Christ. Right there in class I realized I was not in a good place. I wouldn't have seen that without looking at my stress and realized I don't want to live like that anymore. At least I sat through the rest of the class and didn't run screaming down the hallway trailing who, whom and whose after me. I also know I have a hard time learning from someone that doesn't wear shoes in class and doesn't think my anecdote assignment on my mother and Reverend Baker wasn't funny (see blog, "I Saw That!").

I thought I would have to move out of my lovely apartment, but it turns out I can stay if I want, move if I want. I want to get away from the beagles and the lady who keeps looking in my windows, but there are lots worse places out there to live, and I'd probably find the worst. I'm staying put for now. Unless...

My spiritual life had become unproductive because stress keeps all good things at bay. Everything for me starts with my devotion to my spiritual disciplines and I've been reconnecting and it makes all things better because it makes me better. I get to be the person I want to be, not a product of tension and angst. Barakabashad.

I've been working at a couple of internships to help get some experience and maybe get a job through the connection. I created a database of 800 potential donors for a fundraiser for the Colo. Mtn Club and sent out close to 750 emails. Copy, cut, paste, attach. That kind of number will make you crazy, especially when people want you to get more done, but you can't because of all the other things that are going on. Stress. The project I worked on is actually a full time job and I would have a great time doing it if it came to fruition. The CMC is a great organization and if you have even the slightest interest in the Colorado Mountains, you should check it out. Still, alone with a huge database is a little scary, especially late at night with a nearby fridge filled with food, unfinished schoolwork laying nearby and an eight hour evening shift on a brain injury floor at the hospital. It felt really alone. With the progress I made, they seemed pleased with the results, they have a lot of sponsors for this event and their event in the fall. I re-discovered I have my mother's gift of being able to sell dentures to a dog. If needed.

I created an audio slideshow for the Freedom Service Dogs Organization, and I had a great time doing it. I ended with more questions about Final Cut and how to keep it from washing out my photo's colors. I'm really happy with the production and I want to make more so I can get even better at making them. Funny thing is, I don't really like dogs, never have.

My daughter Jill and her boyfriend Matt are buying a townhome nearby and I'm giving Shaved Mean Kity back to Jill, much to SMK's chagrin. Maybe she can come to visit sometime and bring her own litter box.

There are some job prospects on the horizon, a couple of things that look promising, but I'm a little gun-shy after so many resumes and rejections. We'll see, it's one area I still have to work on some more.

No wonder my photos aren't very interesting for May.